My desire to seek out an intimate photoshoot experience was unfortunately not spurred on by a positive journey of self-discovery, nor was it a celebration of my early 30’s body.
In the few weeks prior to booking, sitting in the doctors office, I heard the dreaded “C” word. I had found a pea-sized lump in my left breast, which I immediately investigated with my GP.
While this is a diagnosis no one wants to hear, I was assured at the time, it was an “in situ” cancer and it was completely treatable – “relief”, or so I thought.
After a whirlwind of tests and scans, I was told that due to the size of the mass, the most appropriate treatment (to not leave me deformed) would be a complete mastectomy of the left breast.
To say I went spiralling, is an understatement.
In the days that followed, after I had time to mentally digest the news, I was talking with a friend. During this conversation they made a passing comment that stuck in my head, ‘you should have a photoshoot before surgery’. I was excited about the thought of capturing this moment in time, but I was also terrified. Battling, as many of us do, with body image issues and low self-confidence. And I don’t know how to pose!
For lack of any better ideas, I began to Google ‘Boudoir Photographers Adelaide’. While I knew this wasn’t exactly what I was after, I knew it would get me on the right track.
I browsed several photographers’ pages and found what I expected: beautiful women, in full-glam makeup and amazing lingerie. Don’t get me wrong, they looked fantastic, but my journey was different. I then came across the website and Instagram page of Velvet Thyme.
I looked over the portfolio and I knew this was going to be the photographer for me. The style of the photography was beautiful, I loved the play of light and shadow and the women all looked like they were having fun! This is what I wanted. I contacted Gianna and before I knew it, I was booked in.
I was nervous but very excited.
When I first arrived, we recapped the main reason I was there (I had already explained this briefly in my initial enquiry) but we also spoke more specifically about what I wanted to achieve from the day, what level of nudity I was comfortable with and what was most important for me. I expressed my concern with posing – that I didn’t feel naturally photogenic and I would welcome any guidance. We mapped out a four stage plan for the shoot, starting in an underwear set that I had brought with me, eventually working toward a ‘nude illusion’ at the end.
Early in the shoot I found it tough.
I had used up all 3 poses that I knew how to do and suddenly I felt like I awkward teen. While I was completely comfortable around Gianna, I felt uncomfortable in myself. We took a moment, set the camera down and talked through the difficulties. Surprisingly I got emotional because this wasn’t what I thought I was going to be emotional about. While the driving factor for the shoot was to capture how I looked pre-op, it was the challenges with feeling sexy and confident in what I was doing with my body that got the better of me.
After a moment talking together, we resumed the shoot and I began to relax, I was guided through poses and encouraged to just “have fun”, so fun I had!
During the shoot, I never felt rushed or pressured to remove a layer if I didn’t feel comfortable. I was also offered to connect my own music, if that felt beneficial, but I was enjoying what was on.
Once the shoot was complete, it was time to choose my photos. After hearing the number of photos taken, I nearly fell of my chair! How could we get through so many? But of course, Gianna had this process down to an art and I honestly could not believe how many I liked (I say this only as a critique to myself!).
The photos captured multiple sides/versions of myself; soft and sensitive, energetic, strong and beautiful. I felt so proud of myself for choosing to do this and I was excited to have these photos as my own.
After the surgery there was an interim period where my photos were still being edited and I did have some concerns. Would I still want to look at these photos of myself now my physically body doesn’t look the same? Would I still feel the same joy or would they bring me sadness as to what I has lost?
My body still healing from surgery, I opened the files. I was relieved to feel the same joy and pride that I did those weeks prior.
I did feel some despondency towards what had happened to me, but it was important to remember this surgery was required to give me the best chance of long-term survival.
Although I would look different, I now have these amazing memories to look back on and enjoy.
